It’s the exhaustion. I didn’t think I could ever feel so tired
It’s feeling overwhelmed when you won’t latch on
It’s not being able to settle you or understand what you need right now
It’s soaking through another t-shirt
It’s the washing, never ending
It’s the television on all day because I feel lonely
It’s not speaking to another adult and feeling out of touch
It’s my social media feed which tells me everyone else can do it, why can’t I
It’s knowing I need to get out to exercise but feeling overwhelmed by the idea
It’s still not fitting into my old clothes, will I ever?
It’s looking in the mirror and not recognising the body I inhabit
It’s the reflux
It’s wanting to speak to the mothercraft nurse for reassurance but being worried I’m
becoming ‘one of those mums’
It’s not using my brain for anything else and missing work
It’s the pacing and the patting and the shushing, will you ever sleep
It’s feeling hungry at 2pm and realising I still haven’t eaten breakfast
It’s a messy house that I can’t seem to get on top of
Its smelling like old milk constantly
It’s wishing for just half an hour of quiet
It’s finally getting you to sleep and realising I have a mountain of washing to do
It’s feeling frumpy in my stretchy pants
It’s my unwashed hair
It’s the bone-weary exhaustion
AND
It’s that feed in the middle of the night, in our chair, the quiet and your tiny contented breaths

It’s your tiny fingers that curl around mine
It’s the glorious newborn smell of your body that makes me feel intoxicated
It’s feeling your weight change in my arms as you fall peacefully asleep
It’s connecting with your gaze and our unspoken communication
It’s finding you watching me and feeling overwhelmed by a love I’ve never felt before
It’s managing that walk and feeling the sunshine
It’s the weight of your sleeping head on my shoulder
It’s being reassured I’m doing a good job
It’s freshly washed clothes and a warm shower
It’s marvelling at what my body has made
It’s enjoying this moment, knowing the washing can wait
It’s a successful feed and your full belly
It’s your milk-drunk sleep
It’s making a cup of tea and choosing to enjoy it rather than clean the house
It’s mothers’ group and hearing other mums’ stories
It’s knowing I’m not alone
It’s wanting to capture every moment
It’s your smile that makes me want to burst with joy
It’s our connection, deep and primal
It’s your skin on mine as you feed and your hand reaching out for me
It’s understanding that this kind of love is a gift

It’s our day to day

Words by Donna Rishton Writes